Awakening From Your Anger

Tag: anger management

  • Ghosts

    Everyone struggles with ghosts, usually the residue of our childhood or other significant emotional traumas.

    These are resolvable — if we will do the work.

    In my case, the ghost has been the disappointments wherein I have attempted to promote myself, either through my workshops or my books. I sincerely believe that the skills and resources I offer are vital in the seeking to be the best human being I can be. They work. They work for me; they work for others.

    But I am a strong introvert and an amateur in promoting myself. I have not been successful and slowly have become discouraged. In the past, I have been strongly self-motivated, and what surprises me now is how strongly dependent I have become on external motivation. It is not a bad thing yet in now engaging with an individual who is both very creative and motivated to promote my work, my enthusiasm seems restored.

    The skills and resources I teach can be learned from a book, but they are best learned by regularly engaging in the work with a good facilitator, in this case —me.

    Up until about 2012, I was a physician-psychotherapist and had my own anger management program. I called it ‘anger management’ for two reasons. First, it was an easy issue that people could identify in their lives. Second, and more important, is my belief that anger is the canary in the coalmine of our culture — it reveals our deep lack of understanding of emotional issues in our culture. My work is not that of anger management — it is that of emotional management, especially how to integrate the emotional and the rational to the transrational.

    My workshop was a 17-hour weekend program, experiential, every two-to-three weeks, in which I engaged with 15-20 individuals who struggled with anger issues in their lives. Because I was a physician in Ontario, my workshop was covered by the provincial health insurance program, and thus individuals (men and women from all walks of life) could attend without charge. They could be doctors and lawyers or individuals who had spent most of their lives in jail. I also used these programs to supply my ongoing groups of people who wanted deeper engagement, meeting weekly as needed.

    For the most part, my workshop came out of my own growth. By age 40, I was a very competent professional anaesthetist yet deeply unhappy with my own ghosts of a very painful childhood. I started to engage with good experiential therapy and soon realized the field to be the most creative experience I have encountered — I switched to training as a therapist and spent years resolving my own ghosts. Amongst other learnings, I came to recognize that the skill I bring as a therapist is my own humanness.

    Although the deeper work of my clients was done in the groups, people changed their lives with the single weekend. There were many occasions wherein an individual could come for the single weekend but did not have the resources for ongoing attendance. It was not uncommon for that someone to show up in my driveway thanking me because their lives changed with that single weekend. Examples are listed in Appendix 4 of my book Blowing Out the Darkness.

    After about 20 years of this practice, I noted how a portion of my group client load did not engage with the work; they watched other people doing the work yet did not do so themselves. Without being pejorative, I characterized them as lazy (they avoided the work) or fearful (they were afraid of the consequences of doing the work). There was no therapy I could offer them other than challenging them to engage.

    As a consequence, I decided to do my PhD studying laziness and fearfulness. When I added self-righteousness to this mix, I recognized an ancient process acedia as having a modern form of any combination of laziness, fearfulness, and self-righteousness that blocked the individual from engaging in authentic living. I also posited that modern acedia is the underlying emotional basis of climate change. Climate change is a technological issue, yet we do not resolve it because of our cultural acedia. (All this is described in my second book Acedia, the Darkness Within).

    I ‘retired’ (semi-retired) fifteen years ago, moved to British Columbia, and since then I do individual work, calling myself a coach. I have spend a lot of time and money attempting to promote my two books, unsuccessfully (again being an amateur).

    With the current encouragement, I have decided to focus on promoting myself. I am available both for individual and corporate consulting, for the management of any emotional issues, including life satisfaction, leadership, burnout, and group functioning. If people find my work useful, the spin-off will be my books are promoted.

    If what I have written tweaks your interest, connect with me at [email protected]. I will also be modifying my website davemacquarrie.com to have less focus on my books and more focus on what I can offer.

    Thanks. Hope to meet you.

  • The Search 2 – Introduction 2

    For simplicity, I have decided to entitle any future posts related to this book The Search To Be Fully Alive as The Search # – Chapter n #. These may change over time but for now provide consistency. Ideally, there will be about two posts per week.

    I ended the previous post by indicating I will discuss what I mean by ‘being fully alive.’ I regard the term as nuanced and in attempting to grasp this term myself, I draw largely on my client experience, especially of that third group of clients who cleared up the pony tracks of their lives[1] (some of this experience is described in more detail in ‘Appendix D – Recidivism’ of my book Blowing Out the Darkness):

    SC, a long history of drug abuse and violent crimes: ‘For almost two years now, I have been working with Dave … I no longer think about not living, or harming others … I am peaceful with myself most of the time.

    DD, 51yo, well-educated, chronically raging: I had been in counselling on and off since my last year of high school. … I really did not know how or when the change occurred that weekend; I just know that it did. … I have been working with Dave for six months now … The results I want are coming. I am getting the results because of the work I do, not because of anything Dave does. He merely offers me the tools, steering me towards the right tool of the job.

    MK, a 53yo lawyer in burnout: I gained clarity about my long-standing and personally debilitating misunderstanding. … I was just holding it together as best I could, and now I don’t have to. I can actually be more effective.

    JS, a Probation Officer of 25 years experience, commenting on the impart on clients of a single 17-hr weekend (most were only able to come to the single weekend because of transport issues): What strikes me most, however, is the way post-MacQuarrie probation clients communicate that ‘something is different’: they often say they “feel more relaxed”, can “let things go”, feel more capable of making choices about whether or not their emotions escalate, especially over trivial matters. And I find that this is often borne out in their behavior.

    Fundamentally, the people who are more fully alive are peaceful and productive; they have resolved any residual trauma from their past and they cope well with the ongoing stresses of life. When they are angry (or otherwise emotional), they are aware of what they want in their emotionality, yet they do not impose on others; they are able to negotiate what they need. They are rational; they understand and accept that life is a series of difficulties; that wisdom comes from working through such difficulties. They are relational, satisfied with their family systems and their communities. Whatever their belief systems, they usually have a deepening spirituality and trust of life. In spite of the turmoil of our civilization, they strive to contribute.

    So what am I doing as therapist and what am I potentially suggesting to clients in their search to be fully alive? One aspect is that I function from what I call High Intention – Low attachment. My intention is to be the absolutely best therapist and human being that I can be – I do not pretend to be other than who I am. My job is to elicit a relationship of compassion and trust, supportive of effective behaviours, and to challenge ineffective patterns. I do my best and I have no attachment to the outcome (it is not in my control). As part of that, I do not ‘should’ my clients, yet I often challenge the ineffective.

    The vast majority of clients first come because of pain in their lives. Imagine you have fallen into a large hole, and you find yourself with a shovel in your hand. What is the first thing you should do? … My suggestion is put the shovel down! At this point, you do not know if you are digging yourself deeper or digging yourself out (likely deeper). Practically speaking, this means calming your energy so that you can think more clearly, not about how you got in but how you can get out! (Thinking about how you got in is usually not useful at this stage; it is much more useful after you get out. The tools for getting out usually are quite different for the tools needed to stop yourself from getting in again.) Getting out may  be complicated, falling back repeatedly. There are many tools for getting out, and even if unsuccessful for this event, they are potential resources for future events. Then, having gotten out, likely you feel much better, more resourceful — and more able to grasp how you got into the hole in the first place.

    Likely, at this point, you can recognize that you actually had not fallen into the hole; you had been digging yourself into the hole without being conscious of it. Now, instead of beating yourself up for your … (stupidity, arrogance, whatever your favourite criticism is) …, you can potentially recognize that there might be tools for you to manage your personal characteristics. So you start learning these tools also. Eventually you end up with a very well-crafted toolbox of life, and you start to gain the benefits of being more fully alive.

    Sooner or later, you also recognize that all human beings struggle with falling into holes; that no one is perfect and that we are all simply on journeys of life. At this point, you start to build better relationships, recognizing that we are relational beings. Perhaps you also start to develop a spirituality of what it is all about — you don’t have to, yet it generally makes more sense when you do. You don’t have to call it God, just that something bigger is going on.

    Personally, since it may come up later in these posts, I do call it God, sometimes Star Maker. I don’t do it to impose on others; rather, it makes the conversations easier and offers more tools to explore.

    [1] I am very clear that this growth on the part of the clients occurred because they did the necessary work. I was fortunate to be the therapist who was able to facilitate that work with them. I regard myself as a very competent therapist and it is entirely possible that the clients could have done their growth work with some other therapist(s). In writing this book, I talk about myself and my own skills, not to laud myself, rather because I know myself. There are other very good therapists, and unfortunately it is often a fishing trip to find them.

  • The Search To Be Fully Alive

    On my last post, I noted my intention to write a third book (beside my first two, see previous) entitled The Search To Be Fully Alive: The What and The How. This choice came about for two main reasons: I was seeking to engage further both with my blog and with my life. In particular, I was dissatisfied with how inactive I have been with this blog (I have been sporatic since 2020). I decided to combine the two issues by using the blog as a stepping stone to the book, hopefully cutting and pasting future posts to form the body of the book. I hope the book will end up at about 80-100 pages: long enough to be comprehensive and short enough to be readable. As part of this, I have asked for feedback from subscribers as to the clarity and interest of such future posts. Appreciations for same.

    Here I want to address three questions (two here; the third, the next post): 1) why a third book; 2) what does the ‘search’ mean, and 3) what do I mean by ‘fully alive’?

    Much of the answer to all three is summed up in the header to this blog: ‘Between Climate Change, the risk of Nuclear War, and the political instability of our times, we are an angry culture. Unresolved anger is dangerous while resolved anger is powerful. This site is about making the shift to resolved anger. It is also about making the shift to being a mature adult, being at peace and being of service to a world badly in need of leadership.’

    More specifically as to why a third book, it is one of my major ways for me to contribute. I am a retired physician (specialist anaesthetist) and psychotherapist. My first book Blowing Out the Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage came from my awareness of how angry we are as a culture. My second book Acedia, The Darkness Within, and the darkness of Climate Change came from the recognition of how powerless and overwhelmed we feel as individuals and as a culture, with consequent anger. This book addresses how we contribute.

    I have deliberately called this book The Search … because, for me and a significant number of my therapy clients, it has been a search. Up until 1983 at age 40 (I am currently 82), I was a very competent physician-anaesthetist when my life fell apart; I knew I was heading in the same direction as my father in that he committed suicide when he was 49. Reputedly at one point, he had said ‘Never go to a psychiatrist who is less intelligent than you are’ — in similar fashion, my limited experience of therapy up to that point was not helpful. Fortunately, I found good experiential therapy and my life changed; it cost me a lot of time and money, which I fortunately had as a consequence of my profession. It entailed major searching, not available to most with more limited life circumstances.

    The outcome was I became a very competent therapist, mainly focused on my own anger management program. As I studied my clients, I came to characterize them as falling into what I came to call ‘pony tracks.’ I imagine you the reader has been to the circus and seen the ponys, the ones the kids ride. The kids are having fun but what about the ponys walking around their well-worn tracks, dressed in their pretty bangles — they look bored or in some other kind of emotional pain. Most clients are like this: in pain undoubtedly, frequently hiding their angst, and lost in the same dysfunction day after day.

    I could work with about 90% of people — about 10% wanted to work with a woman therapist or found me too intellectual or something. They might come for a session or two, and then not return. The rest fell into three roughly equal groups of individuals.

    It would normally take me anywhere between one and six sessions to identify the pattern of pain, the ‘pony track’. We would then discuss the nature of the difficulty and decide what next. At this point, about 30% would say to me something like “You know, now that I recognize the nature of the issue, I can live with it, and besides, it would cost me too much to change it (they might have to give up their marriage or a lucrative job or some other cost).” At this point, we would do some clean-up and they would leave. Remotely they might come back in the future.

    The remaining 60% would want to work further. This would usually entail another three to six months of work whereupon they would get out of pain. Half of them would leave at this point as having accomplished what they wanted, in particular out of pain. Perhaps they would also come back at a future time.

    The final third, again out of pain, would be appreciative yet would say something like “You know, now that I am out of that pony track, I recognize another pony track (often one that they could not see because of the first one)”. Over the years, as I worked with this third group, I found that most people have anywhere between three and six pony tracks, which when resolved (perhaps over two or three years of work), resulted in deep satisfaction in the life of that client. It truly was a search for these individuals to come to this point in their lives.

    That search was made easier in that as a physician in the Canadian province of Ontario, my therapy services were paid by the provincial health plan. A blessing for clients, I eventually switched exclusively to group psychotherapy so as to minimize my client list; clients came to my weekend workshops on anger management as well as word-of-mouth (including other therapists), then they joined one of my groups (no waiting list). This became the basis of my first book.

    Thus the financial burden of the cost was significantly reduced; most people cannot afford extensive therapy. The search is further compromised by finding a therapist who is a good fit yet has the skill and maturity to challenge the client to do the work. The deeper work is not understanding; it is emotional at the other-than-conscious level. I tell clients that the work is frequently that of exploring a swamp looking for buried treasure; as therapist, I know how to explore swamps but I don’t know the client’s individual swamp.

    Next post: Being fully alive.

  • Current Status 20250719

    My apology to those who are interested in my blog. I have been very remiss in keeping it up to date; I intend to resolve this.

    In September 2025, I am going to a 5-day workshop entitled Elder’s Rites of Passage, a process further to the Men’s Rites of Passage which I attended in 2017. Both workshops come out of the work of Richard Rohr, a Franciscan monk who for many years has directed the Centre for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque NM. More than ten years ago, Richard turned this work over directly for the men of Illuman to continue; i have been apart of Illuman since 2016. The work has added greatly to my life.

    At age 82, I have long considered myself an Elder, especially in my role as psychotherapist, but I have not pursued the process in a group setting. It is time for me to do so, especially in the sense that a major focus of the Elder’s Rites is the question of “What is mine to do?” (A friend pointed out a very useful reframe here when he suggested a better focus of “What is mine to contribute? — thereby emphasizing the relational aspect of the question!)

    It is an important question for me, one that has repeatedly challenged me in my life. I am frequently caught between my strong hermit/poustinik nature and my desire to contribute. So at this time, I am intending a deep dive into the question.

    One aspect is that I intend to revise this blog, this time successfully. Anyone who has followed the history of this blog is aware that it was, for a number of years, called The Human Side of Global Warming. Then it was the opportunity for me to expand upon my many reflections on anger/emotional management, essential studies on how we fail to resolve climate change. We are still at that point of failing to resolve, although there has been major improvement in renewable energy resources and how we manage energy. Yet we need so much more in the complexity of climate change.

    Six months ago, I started to revise the blog but failed to mobilize myself enough. Past of the difficulty has been I had too many irons in the fire. First I was busy with studies in Theology — I now have a Diploma in Theological Studies. Those of you who have followed me likely know that I am deeply spiritual, a mystic with a background in many religions, principally Christianity; I strongly believe that a sense of spiritual journey is essential to human maturity yet much of religiosity has sabotaged such journey (fortunately there are major exceptions).

    I have also spent an inordinate amount of time (and money) attempting to promote (also without success) my two books Blowing Out the Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage and Acedia, The Darkness Within: and the darkness of Climate Change. I have ended this process (elsewhere — see About>Testimonials — I provide some of the highly positive feedback I received on these two books). In additional, the death of a dear friend who managed my website stalled my process such that I have given up my website. All of this added to a sense of discouragement.

    I am now ready to resume. Initially there will be a considerable modification of the appearance of the blog (that may require a . I don’t yet know how the new blog will develop. I likely will still emphasize emotional management and there will be a greater focus on spiritual journey in action.

    We are still in deep trouble as a culture. I intend to be part of the contribution to healing.

  • Transforming Anger into Emotional Resilience

      There have been a number of posts show up in my email this past week that remind me of the need for this blog. In a recent post, Jack Kornfield, a noted American Buddhist, writes “When self-righteous anger arises, we can let it go. Retaining our own fierce clarity, we too can seek justice, yet do so with a loving heart.” There is a lot of self-righteous anger in our societies, Canadian and American. I agree with the sentiment expressed by Jack yet letting go of anger was never my forte. I could have spend years exploring Buddhist meditation, but it likely would not have touched the Family of Origen issues that underlay my anger — it took nearly ten years of good experiential therapy for me to resolve my issues (such work then became the basic of the anger management program that I developed and taught for twenty years).

      Having developed these skills, I can probably lead others to resolution within a few years (if they will do the work). For a beginning approach, check out the thirty or so postings listed under “Postings / Anger Management”. There were originally a series of 30 emails that I sent out over a period of 90 days, twice a week, with the suggestion to read and practice some simple skills. They generally gave people the necessary skills for better management of emotional issues, and if they wanted more, they could choose to work with me via Zoom or in-person.

      Incidentally, I call it ‘anger management’ because that is what attracts interest — it is really emotional life management; the skills are applicable to any emotional issue. I’ll add to this in a moment.

      Another email post from a few weeks ago described how a dozen hooded and masked individuals in Hamilton, Ontario gathered to rally behind the racist and xenophobic slogan popularized by Trump: “mass deportations now”. Such a process is highly unusual for Canada yet seems to be part of the growing rage throughout North America. From my perspective, it is likely that such intolerance arises from a sense of powerlessness related to the major dysfunctionality of our civilization. It is unlikely that such individuals would want to undertake my anger management program. But they do illustrate the needs of our society — such will likely increase given the current atmosphere in the States.

      Another post added to this: “Lonely, Addicted, and Living Without a Higher Purpose? An open letter to younger men struggling.” A second noted: “Road rage has soared in an increasingly angry nation: People are just overwhelmed.” Both of these were protected by paywalls so I did not read the details — I can imagine though.

      All of these have become common stories; all of these require good anger management.

      I was a physician-psychotherapist practicing in Ontario for more than twenty-five years. As a physician in Ontario, my therapy practice was paid though the Ontario Health Insurance Plan (OHIP); all any Ontario client had to do was say they wanted to work with me — OHIP paid for it. If I moved to a new location, I could have a waiting list within three weeks — lucky for me, lucky for clients.

      Part of my training included a Master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Sciences, functionally a degree in how people function in groups. After a few years, as I developed my weekend anger management program, I got tired to telling people that if they wanted to do individual therapy with me, it was a two-year waiting list. Eventually I switched to exclusive group therapy, and fed my groups from people who attended by anger management weekends. My wife and I had a day-retreat center where we each practiced our careers (my wife is a brilliant trainer in NeuroLinguistic Programming). Eventually also, I wrote my first book Blowing Out the Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage.[1]

      I am not interested in blowing my own horn, but my anger management program was effective for a wide range of people. Every three to six months, someone would stop by our center and tell me that their lives changed after a single weekend workshop. A Probation Officer sent me approximately 60 individuals over the years — only one re-offended after that single weekend. A senior Police Officer believed my program to be the best program he had ever encountered. A Justice of the Supreme Court would on occasion specifically recommend my weekend as part of his dispositions.

      I know that all troublesome issues of anger-rage are resolvable — the limitation is the willingness of the client to do the work (which I will describe in ensuing posts). The other major limitation is for the client to find good anger management. From my perspective, most programs are not very good — they mainly tell people what they should be doing. They work for many people because many people are highly motivated. Yet my groups were filled with people for whom such instructions did not work — they were motivated but they needed more. Specifically I did not tell people what they should be doing!

      As a taster of what is to come: What is the matter with being angry? Or being enraged? … Is it the anger, or something else? I suggest it is something else. The basic issue is not the anger or rage. It is that someone did not feel safe in the presence of anger/rage!

      Stay tuned. The next post will look at safety!

    [1] Although written in 2009, I rebranded the book in 2023. The current book is available on Amazon and other sourses from the publisher: MacQuarrie, Dave. Blowing Out The Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage. Metairie, LA: The Ewings Publishing LLC (2023), https://www.theewingspublishing.com/product/blowing-out-the-darkness-the-management-of-emotional-life-issues-especially-anger-and-rage/. Or from davidmacquarriebooks.com.

  • Transforming Anger: Emotions as Energy for Change

      As noted previously, I had my own anger management program for 25 years, likely dealing with about 4000 people with various issues of anger. I had long concluded that anger is the canary in the coalmine of our culture – it is the measure of how dysfunctional our civilization has become.

      Thus, I focus on anger as the beginning of change. I strongly believe that unresolved anger is dangerous whereas resolved anger is a powerful source for change. Given the current dysfunction of our culture, we need our anger so as to generate change, ideally for the better. If our anger is unresolved, any change generated is likely to worsen our dysfunction whereas if we come to terms with the nature of our anger, we have choice as to how we use it.

      So, what is anger? First of all, anger is an emotion. So, what is an emotion? My working definition is ‘energy to which I give meaning and direction.’ Emotions are the interface between mind (meaning) and body (direction). My best way of describing them is via what is called the Action Model.

      Something happens in life, a stimulus S. Eventually, we respond, R. In the interim, we Sense it (the earliest awareness is called the F1 state). We Evaluate it via our values, beliefs, memories, and expectations (VBMEs), and we make Meaning of it, our story. We develop a Plan of action as to how to respond and we mobilize our Energy to respond, our emotions. And, ideally, we respond (if we feel safe) — we move our energy into the environment. The system works well (and is prone to various glitches, to be described in later blog posts).

      Think of a time that you have been angry. Feel the residual anger as you now experience it. Notice I did not say ‘the anger you had then.’

      Emotions are a present-time body experience — you cannot feel what you experienced yesterday or at any other time; you can only feel ‘now.’ You can think about yesterday, but you can only feel ‘now.’

      That said, feel your anger. Point with one finger to the location of your anger in your body. For most people, they will point to their upper chest, yet some will point to their jaw or their abdomen or other areas. Although we have the single word ‘anger,’ each individual will have their own unique experience.

      Emotions, in general, are describable as a single word, in the ‘now’ moment, and dependent on meaning. As a child when you were learning language, perhaps someone took your toy, and you were upset. Then mummy or daddy said, “Don’t be angry.” You now had a new word to describe both your behaviour and your internal state. You also learned that the word was fraught with difficulty — you shouldn’t be angry. Yet, at the same time, it is likely that no one taught you what to do with this uncomfortable inner state. Now as an adult, when you encounter this body state again, you know to call it ‘anger’ and perhaps you still do not know what to do with it. If you do know what to do, you likely have a sense of power.

      In general, the simple emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, joy are such that they are characterized by a sense of power — you can do something when you experience them. Anger, for example, is an emotion of uninvited or imposed disruption of your boundaries wherein you are capable of pushing back against the disruption. It is the energy of significant difference in a closed space, a relationship.

      If you don’t feel capable of pushing back, the emotion tends to expand, and we give it a different name — ‘rage.’ Rage is the attempt to mobilize action and power in situations of anger where you feel powerless. Furthermore, if the situation becomes overwhelming, one option is to move to self-righteousness as a further protective mechanism in boosting your sense of power.

      In similar fashion, our sadness becomes despair when powerless and laziness (f—k it!) when overwhelmed. Our fear becomes terror and then fearfulness, and our joy becomes ecstasy and then some form of unitive consciousness.

      There are many other emotional words in our language and the definitions of these words varies considerably. The distinctions I make are:

    • Emotions are a single word descriptor of energy to which I give meaning (mind) and direction (body). I can point to my body as to where I experience them.
    • Feelings are a single word description of energy wherein I point to the relationship I have with others. ‘I feel frustrated’ points to an external person or event. Similarly with ‘I feel included [by …],’ ‘I feel honored [about …],’ and ‘I feel betrayed [by …].’
    • Then, there are feeling judgments, multi-word descriptions of my thoughts about my emotions and feelings. ‘I feel [that] you made an error’ or ‘I feel [that] you liked the meal.’ They represent thoughts that carry an energetic load.

      All of the above is relatively simple to describe, yet there is a problem which will be developed in future posts. It is summed up in a personal story:

    Until my forties, my childhood issues were such that I was emotionally numb. After I had done a number of years of therapy, I said to a friend: “I have learned to feel, and I hate it! It is so g..d.. messy!”

      They are still messy yet now I value them.

  • Re-branding

    So, what is this rebranding of my blog all about? First, the switch-over has been much more complicated and I am uncertain how long the transition will take, but it will certainly delay my engagement. For now, here is the first post that I planned:

    Human beings are social creatures; that has been our success (and angst) for millenia. Yet it is my belief that we have never before been as angry (enraged might be a better word) with each other and with our cultural institutions as we are now. We are in crisis; we feel powerless and scared by our ineffectiveness in dealing with the current risks of climate change and/or the resurgence of possible nuclear winter. And we do not effectively talk about it.

    This was the focus of the earlier rendition of this blog as The Human Side of Global Warming. In rebranding the blog as Awakening From Your Anger, I am wanting to shift the focus to what can we as individuals do in responding to this crisis. My basic premise is that unresolved anger is dangerous, yet resolved anger is powerful.

    I have taught anger management for almost 25 years. I honestly believe that I have/had the best anger management program in North America but I have never been able to sell it because I step out of the cultural box too much — I encourage people to be angry so that they can work to resolution. At a later stage, I will quote from some of the document in my book Blowing Out the Darkness but space precudes this at the moment.

    In her 2017 book Braving the Wilderness[1], Brené Brown talks about a state that she calls High Lonesome; this was early in the first presidency of Donald Trump. She notes, “The world feels high lonesome and hearbroken to me right now. We’ve sorted ourselves into factions based on our politics and ideology. We’ve turned away for one another and toward blame and rage. We’ve lonely and untethered. And scared. e border.

    Brown further notes, “wouldn’t you think that all of the sorting by politics and beliefs we’ve been doing would lead to more social interaction? … Shouldn’t ‘You’re either with us or against us’ have led to closer ties among the like-minded? The answer to these questions is a resounding and surprising no. At the same time [as] sorting is on the rise, so is loneliness.”

    Now (2024 November 9th), with Trump as American President Elect, I imagine this is what many American Democrats are feeling right now — scared and lonely. And even though the Republicans have had resounding success in the election, Brown notes that, “Ideological bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection.” I thus suspect that, in spite all the bravado and excitement, there are many Republicans who are wondering as to what the future offers. Equally, for we Canadians, many of us are caught in the same questions.

    As noted above, the focus of this blog is now how can we use our anger as a powerful force for good. How can we use our loneliness as individuals, social creatures still, come together in responding to our social crises. Coincidentally, an excellent article today in the Guardian (Authoritarians like Trump love fear, defeatism, surrender. Do not give them what they want) parallels the kind of ideas I will be exploring. We are in crisis; we are not defeated. 

    I intend several posts each week and I invite interaction. Although my posts will make suggestions, I invite us to come together, to find ways to engage with each other as we seek greater authenticity and greater effectiveness.

    [1] Quoted in “High Lonesome,” Psychotherapy Networker, Nov/Dec 2017, https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/high-lonesome/, accessed 2024 November 8th.

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  • Ongoing Backlash

    The management of power requires personal authority.
    The Power of Personal Authority

    Not much to report this week. I am still travelling, and hence not as invested in writing my blog. Most of what I read in the various sources I tap is that the world is continuing to react to Trump’s decision to exit the Paris Accord. For me this is a good thing, because it may well be the galvanizing point at which the world starts to recognize how seriously the climate issue truly is. Hopefully . . .

    Otherwise, I continue my search for a way in which to utilize my skill set in the issues of global warming. Essentially my proficiency is that of personal transformation — believing that society itself is a system of individuals, and that change comes from small shifts in the cultural milieu. Again, hopefully . . .

    This week, I’m presenting workshops in Ontario, exploring the skills of Authenticity. I’ll be returning in October to present Blowing Out The Darkness (my emotional/anger management workshop) and Partners Coming Together (my relationhship workshop — to which individuals can also come). I’ve also decided to expand my on-line presence by offering video coaching using one of the platforms such as Skype (my preference is Zoom.us). If interested, contact me via my website. More later.

    Some links concerning Trump

    World promises to stand and deliver after Trump’s ‘train wreck’ climate decision (20170602)

    A good summary of the multiple reactions to Trump’s decision to withdraw from the Paris Accord.

    We may be surprised at how things play out… (20170603)

    I’ve previoiusly noted the possibility that Trump’s exit from the Paris Accord may have surprising outcomes — this article also supports that.

  • Anger #31 Loose Ends And Final Comments

    Comment: The final email. Hopefully you have gained from this program. I wish you well!

    MacQuarrie Email Program — Loose Ends and Final Comments

    Happy2Congratulations.

    You have completed the thirty emails of this program. I know that this has required a lot of work on your part. I also hope that it has been an effective program for you, and that you have obtained the outcome you wish from it (Email #01).

    At this point, I would very much appreciate feedback from you as to its effectiveness, especially what parts have been most useful, and what not. Please email me at [email protected].

    My thoughts as to how you can continue:

    • be aware that as you learn your triggers and become more skillful in managing yourself, you will be changing the system within which you function.
      • people will not like this, and will attempt to sabotage you. Don’t violate them as they do so; play with the sabotage.
      • it is not likely that they want you to resume being angry; they may actually want you to be more healthy. However, your changes require that they themselves change. Perhaps your anger has allowed them to avoid their own anger, or served some other purpose within the system. Now they must find another way to cope, and are not prepared for this. Hence, they sabotage you and others so as to avoid their own issues — this is the nature of systems.
    • manage your energy. People won’t like it; manage yourself safely (Email #02 and #25).
      • as much as possible (safely), stop violations by others.
    • learn the messages of your anger.
    • deal with conflict. The only person who can initiate change is yourself.
      • practice the skills of creative communication, cooperation, and challenge
    • on occasion, dive deeper into your issues, perhaps with therapy.
      • be aware that these learnings of the past few months will fade. The activities and tasks must be practiced for an extended time before they become second nature. Expect this — come back (or find another program) in six months or a year.

    And especially, recognize that you can act your way into a new way of thinking; you cannot think your way into a new way of acting (it is action that creates change). Growth is a balance of acting and assessing — risking is essential.

    Challenge yourself. For me, I am often sad about the ways in which we have created ourselves as human beings, how traumatized we are. Learn how to step into the shoes of others so as to get how difficultly they live their lives, and why they may be criticizing you (Email #30 — Dealing With Other Angry People). For example, they have likely been traumatized themselves such that they are bitter; explore how the trauma arises for them in the present in your actual contact with them.

    Most important — be a participant-observer of your own internal conflicts, watching for those sailors who demonstrate wisdom (Email #19 Why We Avoid). Develop your Captain.

    I learned to deal with conflict by being challenged in how I functioned — overall a very painful process. When I had had my therapy practice for a few years, I was running a group within a community organization, supposedly an association with high integrity. Gradually I came to suspect that they had many undesirable characteristics, but I did not then have the skill to challenge them effectively. Eventually I refused to work with them, a decision that was hotly challenged. It took me three months to settle my anxiety, and come to terms that I was making a good decision for myself. But it was not easy.

    Several years later, someone complained to the College who governed my license. I was able to defend myself, but it took me six weeks to settle my anxiety.

    Again after a few years, another complaint — this time it took six hours to settle my anxiety. It was now simply an opportunity to demonstrate that I was living my own values.

    I also learned how to function by requesting feedback from others. Much of this was part of the therapy processes I attended (as participant); later, I made it a habit to request feedback from the groups I was running. The skills of maturity are best learned through feedback.

    If you want more from me, read my books (see below), subscribe to this blog, or ask questions of me ([email protected]).

    If convenient, attend one of my workshops; usually they are listed on my website (A Place Two Be). I also do individual work with clients, usually by some kind of video conferencing such as Zoom (my preference compared to Skype). There is a cost for these, but I am open to sliding scale depending on need.

    Keep well; you deserve it.

    Thank you. I hope you have both enjoyed and benefited from this program.

    Dave’s Books:

    MacQuarrie, D. (2008). Blowing out the darkness: The management of emotional life issues, especially anger and rage. Bloomington, IN: AuthorHouse.

    MacQuarrie, D. (2012). Acedia, the darkness within, and the darkness of climate change. Bloomington, IN: AuthorHouse.

    Both are available from AuthorHouse, and there may be a Kindle edition on Amazon.

  • Anger #30 Dealing With Other Angry People

    Comment: Angry people tend to attract angry responses, likely from other angry people. If you are to live otherwise, you will need to know how to respond to other’s who are angry.

    MacQuarrie Email Program #30 — Dealing With Other Angry People

    angerface3
    Anger is a masque of deeper issues.

    In Email #01, I indicated your anger will tell you there is a difficulty, but it will not tell you if the issue is within you (powerlessness — something inappropriate within your own beliefs), or in others (conflict — something inappropriate with those around you). The primary intention of the Blowing Out method has been to release the Energy and explore the Message — to empty the Pot, and reduce the likelihood of the Pot filling again.

    Hopefully, by this point in time, you have developed considerable skill in managing your own anger. However, as you undoubtedly realize, you are not alone in having difficulty with anger. So what do you do when you encounter someone else who is angry?

    Previously, you might have escalated with them, with a less than desirable outcome. Your task for this email is to explore what you can do differently in such circumstances.

    You probably know already that it will not do much good to suggest that they check out Angry? Change Your Life in 90 Days. Actually, the best way to recommend this program is to demonstrate to others that, compared with a few months ago, you are now much more able to manage your anger — actions speak louder than words.

    So, how to deal with someone else’s anger (explore these suggestions to see if you agree):

    • first, monitor yourself, especially your voice tone, muscle tension, and body language. You want to be able to engage (or not) by choice, not by your own reactivity.
    • minimize escalation
      • minimize eye contact, neither too little (often interpreted as weakness) nor too much (often confrontational) — be aware there are major variations within cultures. For example, sometimes lack of eye contact is a sign of respect.
      • assume a relaxed posture, and especially avoid pointing.
      • speak with moderate tone, and especially no profanity.
      • listen, listen, listen. Appreciate suggestions; be thankful for contributions.
        • if you will listen to them, they may be willing to listen to you.
      • invite time-outs to problem-solve; make an appointment to resume.
        • when safe, discharge your own energy so as not to contaminate your next event.

    Angry#30-PPositionsWhen complete, the following is a way to explore what happened (especially useful here, also in many other circumstances):

    • as usual, act out the situation — when you utilize your body, you are much more likely to access your other-than-conscious mind, and obtain richer data.
      • first, step into your own shoes (#1) to explore the event
      • second, act out the event from the perspective of the other (#2)
      • then, watch the action from the side (#3), as well as standing on a chair as you move around the event (elevated 3rd). You will gain different information from different positions.
    • finally, if you were dissatisfied with the original outcome, consider what else you could have done, similar to the exploration of Email #20 What Gets You Angry?

    Dealing with ‘difficult people’ is actually a very complex process, partly because conflict is both normal and essential to the development of relationship, be it a group of two people or of twenty-two. When groups are forming, people are unfamiliar with each other — conflict occurs as people honestly sort their needs, and come to agreements as to how to act. Honesty is needed; niceness is often not effective in resolution. Everyone is doing their best to cope, some less effectively than others!

    Those people who could be called ‘difficult’ are simply those with less skill (and perhaps have grown up in less than ideal circumstances). Most of the time, such people are demonstrating limited skill when the group itself is immature in its development. As a general rule, I assume that conflict represents immaturity of a group until it becomes very obvious that the individual is truly interruptive to the functioning of a group.

    From my perspective, difficulties need to be corrected when they interfere with long-term relationship and/or the performance of tasks. Such correction however requires considerable time, often up to ten hours (or more) for resolution — a lot of work. My standards are these:

    • if I am the facilitator of a time-limited group, I will identify interruptive behaviors (simply name them so others are aware), tolerate them, or stop them as feasible.
    • if a long-term group (marriage, friendship, or work group), I will resolve, challenge, or stop inappropriate behaviors. I will also work hard to identify the ghosts and hidden agendas that often underlie conflict.

    Something more needs to happen with truly difficult people — those who continue to be interruptive (major immaturity) and/or those who violate others (toxic). Some thoughts:

    • although much has been made of the concept of empathy in modern therapeutic circles, my experience (and that of my mentors) has been that empathy is very limited in its use.
      • empathy is useful for the development of safety and relationship, especially that of trust. However, it does not encourage growth, and is often conducive to continuing immaturity.
      • challenge (frustration) is much more promoting of growth.
    • early in my career as a therapist, one of my mentors pointed out the need for what he called killer instinct, best summarized by a definition from the 18th century: A gentlemen is one who does not hurt the feelings of another, unintentionally!
      • If I need to stop someone, I do so calmly and deliberately — it is a stance of clarity, not of anger! And I stop them.
    • it is important to recognize that people who violate others are limited in resources, and therefore are likely to escalate when challenged, possibly to dangerous levels.
      • another mentor pointed out that toxic forces are responsive neither to reason nor to empathy. Thus, the risk of escalation — be careful.

    Coming next: Closure