For simplicity, I have decided to entitle any future posts related to this book The Search To Be Fully Alive as The Search # – Chapter n #. These may change over time but for now provide consistency. Ideally, there will be about two posts per week.
I ended the previous post by indicating I will discuss what I mean by ‘being fully alive.’ I regard the term as nuanced and in attempting to grasp this term myself, I draw largely on my client experience, especially of that third group of clients who cleared up the pony tracks of their lives[1] (some of this experience is described in more detail in ‘Appendix D – Recidivism’ of my book Blowing Out the Darkness):
SC, a long history of drug abuse and violent crimes: ‘For almost two years now, I have been working with Dave … I no longer think about not living, or harming others … I am peaceful with myself most of the time.
DD, 51yo, well-educated, chronically raging: I had been in counselling on and off since my last year of high school. … I really did not know how or when the change occurred that weekend; I just know that it did. … I have been working with Dave for six months now … The results I want are coming. I am getting the results because of the work I do, not because of anything Dave does. He merely offers me the tools, steering me towards the right tool of the job.
MK, a 53yo lawyer in burnout: I gained clarity about my long-standing and personally debilitating misunderstanding. … I was just holding it together as best I could, and now I don’t have to. I can actually be more effective.
JS, a Probation Officer of 25 years experience, commenting on the impart on clients of a single 17-hr weekend (most were only able to come to the single weekend because of transport issues): What strikes me most, however, is the way post-MacQuarrie probation clients communicate that ‘something is different’: they often say they “feel more relaxed”, can “let things go”, feel more capable of making choices about whether or not their emotions escalate, especially over trivial matters. And I find that this is often borne out in their behavior.
Fundamentally, the people who are more fully alive are peaceful and productive; they have resolved any residual trauma from their past and they cope well with the ongoing stresses of life. When they are angry (or otherwise emotional), they are aware of what they want in their emotionality, yet they do not impose on others; they are able to negotiate what they need. They are rational; they understand and accept that life is a series of difficulties; that wisdom comes from working through such difficulties. They are relational, satisfied with their family systems and their communities. Whatever their belief systems, they usually have a deepening spirituality and trust of life. In spite of the turmoil of our civilization, they strive to contribute.
So what am I doing as therapist and what am I potentially suggesting to clients in their search to be fully alive? One aspect is that I function from what I call High Intention – Low attachment. My intention is to be the absolutely best therapist and human being that I can be – I do not pretend to be other than who I am. My job is to elicit a relationship of compassion and trust, supportive of effective behaviours, and to challenge ineffective patterns. I do my best and I have no attachment to the outcome (it is not in my control). As part of that, I do not ‘should’ my clients, yet I often challenge the ineffective.
The vast majority of clients first come because of pain in their lives. Imagine you have fallen into a large hole, and you find yourself with a shovel in your hand. What is the first thing you should do? … My suggestion is put the shovel down! At this point, you do not know if you are digging yourself deeper or digging yourself out (likely deeper). Practically speaking, this means calming your energy so that you can think more clearly, not about how you got in but how you can get out! (Thinking about how you got in is usually not useful at this stage; it is much more useful after you get out. The tools for getting out usually are quite different for the tools needed to stop yourself from getting in again.) Getting out may be complicated, falling back repeatedly. There are many tools for getting out, and even if unsuccessful for this event, they are potential resources for future events. Then, having gotten out, likely you feel much better, more resourceful — and more able to grasp how you got into the hole in the first place.
Likely, at this point, you can recognize that you actually had not fallen into the hole; you had been digging yourself into the hole without being conscious of it. Now, instead of beating yourself up for your … (stupidity, arrogance, whatever your favourite criticism is) …, you can potentially recognize that there might be tools for you to manage your personal characteristics. So you start learning these tools also. Eventually you end up with a very well-crafted toolbox of life, and you start to gain the benefits of being more fully alive.
Sooner or later, you also recognize that all human beings struggle with falling into holes; that no one is perfect and that we are all simply on journeys of life. At this point, you start to build better relationships, recognizing that we are relational beings. Perhaps you also start to develop a spirituality of what it is all about — you don’t have to, yet it generally makes more sense when you do. You don’t have to call it God, just that something bigger is going on.
Personally, since it may come up later in these posts, I do call it God, sometimes Star Maker. I don’t do it to impose on others; rather, it makes the conversations easier and offers more tools to explore.
[1] I am very clear that this growth on the part of the clients occurred because they did the necessary work. I was fortunate to be the therapist who was able to facilitate that work with them. I regard myself as a very competent therapist and it is entirely possible that the clients could have done their growth work with some other therapist(s). In writing this book, I talk about myself and my own skills, not to laud myself, rather because I know myself. There are other very good therapists, and unfortunately it is often a fishing trip to find them.