Awakening From Your Anger

Tag: mental-health

  • Ghosts

    Everyone struggles with ghosts, usually the residue of our childhood or other significant emotional traumas.

    These are resolvable — if we will do the work.

    In my case, the ghost has been the disappointments wherein I have attempted to promote myself, either through my workshops or my books. I sincerely believe that the skills and resources I offer are vital in the seeking to be the best human being I can be. They work. They work for me; they work for others.

    But I am a strong introvert and an amateur in promoting myself. I have not been successful and slowly have become discouraged. In the past, I have been strongly self-motivated, and what surprises me now is how strongly dependent I have become on external motivation. It is not a bad thing yet in now engaging with an individual who is both very creative and motivated to promote my work, my enthusiasm seems restored.

    The skills and resources I teach can be learned from a book, but they are best learned by regularly engaging in the work with a good facilitator, in this case —me.

    Up until about 2012, I was a physician-psychotherapist and had my own anger management program. I called it ‘anger management’ for two reasons. First, it was an easy issue that people could identify in their lives. Second, and more important, is my belief that anger is the canary in the coalmine of our culture — it reveals our deep lack of understanding of emotional issues in our culture. My work is not that of anger management — it is that of emotional management, especially how to integrate the emotional and the rational to the transrational.

    My workshop was a 17-hour weekend program, experiential, every two-to-three weeks, in which I engaged with 15-20 individuals who struggled with anger issues in their lives. Because I was a physician in Ontario, my workshop was covered by the provincial health insurance program, and thus individuals (men and women from all walks of life) could attend without charge. They could be doctors and lawyers or individuals who had spent most of their lives in jail. I also used these programs to supply my ongoing groups of people who wanted deeper engagement, meeting weekly as needed.

    For the most part, my workshop came out of my own growth. By age 40, I was a very competent professional anaesthetist yet deeply unhappy with my own ghosts of a very painful childhood. I started to engage with good experiential therapy and soon realized the field to be the most creative experience I have encountered — I switched to training as a therapist and spent years resolving my own ghosts. Amongst other learnings, I came to recognize that the skill I bring as a therapist is my own humanness.

    Although the deeper work of my clients was done in the groups, people changed their lives with the single weekend. There were many occasions wherein an individual could come for the single weekend but did not have the resources for ongoing attendance. It was not uncommon for that someone to show up in my driveway thanking me because their lives changed with that single weekend. Examples are listed in Appendix 4 of my book Blowing Out the Darkness.

    After about 20 years of this practice, I noted how a portion of my group client load did not engage with the work; they watched other people doing the work yet did not do so themselves. Without being pejorative, I characterized them as lazy (they avoided the work) or fearful (they were afraid of the consequences of doing the work). There was no therapy I could offer them other than challenging them to engage.

    As a consequence, I decided to do my PhD studying laziness and fearfulness. When I added self-righteousness to this mix, I recognized an ancient process acedia as having a modern form of any combination of laziness, fearfulness, and self-righteousness that blocked the individual from engaging in authentic living. I also posited that modern acedia is the underlying emotional basis of climate change. Climate change is a technological issue, yet we do not resolve it because of our cultural acedia. (All this is described in my second book Acedia, the Darkness Within).

    I ‘retired’ (semi-retired) fifteen years ago, moved to British Columbia, and since then I do individual work, calling myself a coach. I have spend a lot of time and money attempting to promote my two books, unsuccessfully (again being an amateur).

    With the current encouragement, I have decided to focus on promoting myself. I am available both for individual and corporate consulting, for the management of any emotional issues, including life satisfaction, leadership, burnout, and group functioning. If people find my work useful, the spin-off will be my books are promoted.

    If what I have written tweaks your interest, connect with me at [email protected]. I will also be modifying my website davemacquarrie.com to have less focus on my books and more focus on what I can offer.

    Thanks. Hope to meet you.

  • The Search 05 (Gestalt Principles)

    In my last post, I talked about awareness as the essential principle of Gestalt Therapy. Here I want to pick up on two other equally important principles of Gestalt: Contact and Personal Responsibility. I do this because my principal orientation is that of Gestalt — I have many other trainings, but Gestalt remains my basic orientation and emphasizes being fully alive.

    This is not to say that other therapeutic orientations are not equally valid (Family Systems, Cognitive Behavioural, Transactional Analysis, and others); it is simply that Gestalt has been most conducive to who I am. Years ago, a mentor of mine said that there are three basic aspects that a therapist needs: a theoretical orientation, extensive work with clients, and the resolving on one’s own personal struggles. The theoretical orientation is useful when talking with colleagues after the therapy session yet is the least important of the three skill of therapy. During the actual session, one is often flying by the seat of one’s pants — there is limited time to think about theory. The second basic aspect is practical work with clients, especially supervised by a more senior therapist (the colleague after the session); it is essential to learning to be present in session. Third and most important is the personal growth of the therapist — if one’s own issues are not resolved, they almost certainly will become points at which the therapy becomes stuck. This is because the primary tool/skill that the therapist brings is his or her own humanity.

    Translating this into the process of being fully alive means first to understand what you are doing for yourself in the process. Second engage in the skills of living so as to develop an effective toolbox. Finally challenge yourself so as to resolve the issues that hold you back.

    My orientation as therapist is Gestalt; my skill is my own humanity.

    I noted last post that awareness is “attention to one’s spontaneously emerging perceptions.” Contact is my ability to be present to the immediacy of now. At that time, I introduced the Action Model (reproduced here) with its First Order perception (F1), Evaluation, Meaning, Intention, Energy, and Response. Contact is my ability to hold these various aspects in my awareness without grasping one or more in immediate reactivity. For example, while in heated conversation with another, can I hold the immediacy of tension in my face while I recall a previous conflict with a sibling, while noting my anger and desire be in conflict, perhaps with awareness of my immediate surroundings and the words being spoken by the other. No one of course does all of this perfectly yet the more I can attend to this complexity, the more I am in contact with my environment, the more I am able to choose my responses.

    The skill associated with Contact is that of patience and awareness. For you the reader, as you are able, pause and look at a chair, a bus, a street sign, a person and note that these are all complex images. What are you attending to with your awareness? What body response are you having? What meaning are you giving to your awareness? What (subtle or not) energetic response is there? What immediate action is associated with your experience (even if not overt movement). In training yourself this way over time, you gradually develop the skill of being in contact with now, and you develop associations between these many areas of awareness. All this becomes the basis of how you respond to the immediacy of the present moment.

    Personal Responsibility is also a manifestation of this complex interaction. The best way I can explain this is with another metaphor: a pot of  stew (with a spoon in it) sitting on a stove being heated. It is one of the best metaphors I have of the human mind.

    It is a pot of Energy; the contents of the pot are aspects of who I am — my values, beliefs, memories, and expectations (my VBMEs, the same as noted as Evaluation in the Action Model). All this arises from my past, most of it learned as part of growing up in my Family of Origin (FOO). The heat is my recent past, adding further energy to  the pot: the current stressors influencing my present (finances, relationships, home and work situations, and miscellaneous aspects such as what I saw in my email last night or heard on the internet this morning). There is also a spoon in the pot, my current environment, which adds to, stirs, and adjusts the contents, adding more energy.

    All this leads to movement of the contents within the pot. When stuff comes to the surface, we call it a Thought or Feeling. When it bubbles out of the pot, we can it an Action.

    As noted, I consider it as one of my best metaphor of the nature of the Mind. What does it demonstrate?

    First, actions empty the pot! Actions are the only way in which the pot is emptied. If you want to reduce emotional energy, it has to be turned into action! More about this later.

    Second, imagine if you put a spoon into the pot and brought out a carrot. Would you ever say ‘the spoon made the carrot’?

    No! It makes no sense. The carrot was already in the pot — the spoon merely brought it to the surface.

    Why, then, do you say, “You made me angry” or “You made me do it”? This is saying that ‘the spoon made the carrot’!

    If you take this metaphor seriously (and I do, very seriously), I am fully responsible for all that I think, feel, and do! Certainly there are spoons, yet I create my world! I have no one to blame and I am fully responsible for all my thoughts, feelings, and actions, for all that happens to me. In fact, the word blame does not exist in my vocabulary.

    Note also that this metaphor is a relational model. The output of one pot becomes the spoon of the next pot as we together create what we call reality. Together, these three skills (of awareness, contact and personal responsibility) allow me to dance with my world, both as an individual and as part of a relational system.

  • The Search 2 – Introduction 2

    For simplicity, I have decided to entitle any future posts related to this book The Search To Be Fully Alive as The Search # – Chapter n #. These may change over time but for now provide consistency. Ideally, there will be about two posts per week.

    I ended the previous post by indicating I will discuss what I mean by ‘being fully alive.’ I regard the term as nuanced and in attempting to grasp this term myself, I draw largely on my client experience, especially of that third group of clients who cleared up the pony tracks of their lives[1] (some of this experience is described in more detail in ‘Appendix D – Recidivism’ of my book Blowing Out the Darkness):

    SC, a long history of drug abuse and violent crimes: ‘For almost two years now, I have been working with Dave … I no longer think about not living, or harming others … I am peaceful with myself most of the time.

    DD, 51yo, well-educated, chronically raging: I had been in counselling on and off since my last year of high school. … I really did not know how or when the change occurred that weekend; I just know that it did. … I have been working with Dave for six months now … The results I want are coming. I am getting the results because of the work I do, not because of anything Dave does. He merely offers me the tools, steering me towards the right tool of the job.

    MK, a 53yo lawyer in burnout: I gained clarity about my long-standing and personally debilitating misunderstanding. … I was just holding it together as best I could, and now I don’t have to. I can actually be more effective.

    JS, a Probation Officer of 25 years experience, commenting on the impart on clients of a single 17-hr weekend (most were only able to come to the single weekend because of transport issues): What strikes me most, however, is the way post-MacQuarrie probation clients communicate that ‘something is different’: they often say they “feel more relaxed”, can “let things go”, feel more capable of making choices about whether or not their emotions escalate, especially over trivial matters. And I find that this is often borne out in their behavior.

    Fundamentally, the people who are more fully alive are peaceful and productive; they have resolved any residual trauma from their past and they cope well with the ongoing stresses of life. When they are angry (or otherwise emotional), they are aware of what they want in their emotionality, yet they do not impose on others; they are able to negotiate what they need. They are rational; they understand and accept that life is a series of difficulties; that wisdom comes from working through such difficulties. They are relational, satisfied with their family systems and their communities. Whatever their belief systems, they usually have a deepening spirituality and trust of life. In spite of the turmoil of our civilization, they strive to contribute.

    So what am I doing as therapist and what am I potentially suggesting to clients in their search to be fully alive? One aspect is that I function from what I call High Intention – Low attachment. My intention is to be the absolutely best therapist and human being that I can be – I do not pretend to be other than who I am. My job is to elicit a relationship of compassion and trust, supportive of effective behaviours, and to challenge ineffective patterns. I do my best and I have no attachment to the outcome (it is not in my control). As part of that, I do not ‘should’ my clients, yet I often challenge the ineffective.

    The vast majority of clients first come because of pain in their lives. Imagine you have fallen into a large hole, and you find yourself with a shovel in your hand. What is the first thing you should do? … My suggestion is put the shovel down! At this point, you do not know if you are digging yourself deeper or digging yourself out (likely deeper). Practically speaking, this means calming your energy so that you can think more clearly, not about how you got in but how you can get out! (Thinking about how you got in is usually not useful at this stage; it is much more useful after you get out. The tools for getting out usually are quite different for the tools needed to stop yourself from getting in again.) Getting out may  be complicated, falling back repeatedly. There are many tools for getting out, and even if unsuccessful for this event, they are potential resources for future events. Then, having gotten out, likely you feel much better, more resourceful — and more able to grasp how you got into the hole in the first place.

    Likely, at this point, you can recognize that you actually had not fallen into the hole; you had been digging yourself into the hole without being conscious of it. Now, instead of beating yourself up for your … (stupidity, arrogance, whatever your favourite criticism is) …, you can potentially recognize that there might be tools for you to manage your personal characteristics. So you start learning these tools also. Eventually you end up with a very well-crafted toolbox of life, and you start to gain the benefits of being more fully alive.

    Sooner or later, you also recognize that all human beings struggle with falling into holes; that no one is perfect and that we are all simply on journeys of life. At this point, you start to build better relationships, recognizing that we are relational beings. Perhaps you also start to develop a spirituality of what it is all about — you don’t have to, yet it generally makes more sense when you do. You don’t have to call it God, just that something bigger is going on.

    Personally, since it may come up later in these posts, I do call it God, sometimes Star Maker. I don’t do it to impose on others; rather, it makes the conversations easier and offers more tools to explore.

    [1] I am very clear that this growth on the part of the clients occurred because they did the necessary work. I was fortunate to be the therapist who was able to facilitate that work with them. I regard myself as a very competent therapist and it is entirely possible that the clients could have done their growth work with some other therapist(s). In writing this book, I talk about myself and my own skills, not to laud myself, rather because I know myself. There are other very good therapists, and unfortunately it is often a fishing trip to find them.

  • The Search To Be Fully Alive

    On my last post, I noted my intention to write a third book (beside my first two, see previous) entitled The Search To Be Fully Alive: The What and The How. This choice came about for two main reasons: I was seeking to engage further both with my blog and with my life. In particular, I was dissatisfied with how inactive I have been with this blog (I have been sporatic since 2020). I decided to combine the two issues by using the blog as a stepping stone to the book, hopefully cutting and pasting future posts to form the body of the book. I hope the book will end up at about 80-100 pages: long enough to be comprehensive and short enough to be readable. As part of this, I have asked for feedback from subscribers as to the clarity and interest of such future posts. Appreciations for same.

    Here I want to address three questions (two here; the third, the next post): 1) why a third book; 2) what does the ‘search’ mean, and 3) what do I mean by ‘fully alive’?

    Much of the answer to all three is summed up in the header to this blog: ‘Between Climate Change, the risk of Nuclear War, and the political instability of our times, we are an angry culture. Unresolved anger is dangerous while resolved anger is powerful. This site is about making the shift to resolved anger. It is also about making the shift to being a mature adult, being at peace and being of service to a world badly in need of leadership.’

    More specifically as to why a third book, it is one of my major ways for me to contribute. I am a retired physician (specialist anaesthetist) and psychotherapist. My first book Blowing Out the Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage came from my awareness of how angry we are as a culture. My second book Acedia, The Darkness Within, and the darkness of Climate Change came from the recognition of how powerless and overwhelmed we feel as individuals and as a culture, with consequent anger. This book addresses how we contribute.

    I have deliberately called this book The Search … because, for me and a significant number of my therapy clients, it has been a search. Up until 1983 at age 40 (I am currently 82), I was a very competent physician-anaesthetist when my life fell apart; I knew I was heading in the same direction as my father in that he committed suicide when he was 49. Reputedly at one point, he had said ‘Never go to a psychiatrist who is less intelligent than you are’ — in similar fashion, my limited experience of therapy up to that point was not helpful. Fortunately, I found good experiential therapy and my life changed; it cost me a lot of time and money, which I fortunately had as a consequence of my profession. It entailed major searching, not available to most with more limited life circumstances.

    The outcome was I became a very competent therapist, mainly focused on my own anger management program. As I studied my clients, I came to characterize them as falling into what I came to call ‘pony tracks.’ I imagine you the reader has been to the circus and seen the ponys, the ones the kids ride. The kids are having fun but what about the ponys walking around their well-worn tracks, dressed in their pretty bangles — they look bored or in some other kind of emotional pain. Most clients are like this: in pain undoubtedly, frequently hiding their angst, and lost in the same dysfunction day after day.

    I could work with about 90% of people — about 10% wanted to work with a woman therapist or found me too intellectual or something. They might come for a session or two, and then not return. The rest fell into three roughly equal groups of individuals.

    It would normally take me anywhere between one and six sessions to identify the pattern of pain, the ‘pony track’. We would then discuss the nature of the difficulty and decide what next. At this point, about 30% would say to me something like “You know, now that I recognize the nature of the issue, I can live with it, and besides, it would cost me too much to change it (they might have to give up their marriage or a lucrative job or some other cost).” At this point, we would do some clean-up and they would leave. Remotely they might come back in the future.

    The remaining 60% would want to work further. This would usually entail another three to six months of work whereupon they would get out of pain. Half of them would leave at this point as having accomplished what they wanted, in particular out of pain. Perhaps they would also come back at a future time.

    The final third, again out of pain, would be appreciative yet would say something like “You know, now that I am out of that pony track, I recognize another pony track (often one that they could not see because of the first one)”. Over the years, as I worked with this third group, I found that most people have anywhere between three and six pony tracks, which when resolved (perhaps over two or three years of work), resulted in deep satisfaction in the life of that client. It truly was a search for these individuals to come to this point in their lives.

    That search was made easier in that as a physician in the Canadian province of Ontario, my therapy services were paid by the provincial health plan. A blessing for clients, I eventually switched exclusively to group psychotherapy so as to minimize my client list; clients came to my weekend workshops on anger management as well as word-of-mouth (including other therapists), then they joined one of my groups (no waiting list). This became the basis of my first book.

    Thus the financial burden of the cost was significantly reduced; most people cannot afford extensive therapy. The search is further compromised by finding a therapist who is a good fit yet has the skill and maturity to challenge the client to do the work. The deeper work is not understanding; it is emotional at the other-than-conscious level. I tell clients that the work is frequently that of exploring a swamp looking for buried treasure; as therapist, I know how to explore swamps but I don’t know the client’s individual swamp.

    Next post: Being fully alive.

  • Current Status 20250719

    My apology to those who are interested in my blog. I have been very remiss in keeping it up to date; I intend to resolve this.

    In September 2025, I am going to a 5-day workshop entitled Elder’s Rites of Passage, a process further to the Men’s Rites of Passage which I attended in 2017. Both workshops come out of the work of Richard Rohr, a Franciscan monk who for many years has directed the Centre for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque NM. More than ten years ago, Richard turned this work over directly for the men of Illuman to continue; i have been apart of Illuman since 2016. The work has added greatly to my life.

    At age 82, I have long considered myself an Elder, especially in my role as psychotherapist, but I have not pursued the process in a group setting. It is time for me to do so, especially in the sense that a major focus of the Elder’s Rites is the question of “What is mine to do?” (A friend pointed out a very useful reframe here when he suggested a better focus of “What is mine to contribute? — thereby emphasizing the relational aspect of the question!)

    It is an important question for me, one that has repeatedly challenged me in my life. I am frequently caught between my strong hermit/poustinik nature and my desire to contribute. So at this time, I am intending a deep dive into the question.

    One aspect is that I intend to revise this blog, this time successfully. Anyone who has followed the history of this blog is aware that it was, for a number of years, called The Human Side of Global Warming. Then it was the opportunity for me to expand upon my many reflections on anger/emotional management, essential studies on how we fail to resolve climate change. We are still at that point of failing to resolve, although there has been major improvement in renewable energy resources and how we manage energy. Yet we need so much more in the complexity of climate change.

    Six months ago, I started to revise the blog but failed to mobilize myself enough. Past of the difficulty has been I had too many irons in the fire. First I was busy with studies in Theology — I now have a Diploma in Theological Studies. Those of you who have followed me likely know that I am deeply spiritual, a mystic with a background in many religions, principally Christianity; I strongly believe that a sense of spiritual journey is essential to human maturity yet much of religiosity has sabotaged such journey (fortunately there are major exceptions).

    I have also spent an inordinate amount of time (and money) attempting to promote (also without success) my two books Blowing Out the Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage and Acedia, The Darkness Within: and the darkness of Climate Change. I have ended this process (elsewhere — see About>Testimonials — I provide some of the highly positive feedback I received on these two books). In additional, the death of a dear friend who managed my website stalled my process such that I have given up my website. All of this added to a sense of discouragement.

    I am now ready to resume. Initially there will be a considerable modification of the appearance of the blog (that may require a . I don’t yet know how the new blog will develop. I likely will still emphasize emotional management and there will be a greater focus on spiritual journey in action.

    We are still in deep trouble as a culture. I intend to be part of the contribution to healing.

  • Transforming Anger into Emotional Resilience

      There have been a number of posts show up in my email this past week that remind me of the need for this blog. In a recent post, Jack Kornfield, a noted American Buddhist, writes “When self-righteous anger arises, we can let it go. Retaining our own fierce clarity, we too can seek justice, yet do so with a loving heart.” There is a lot of self-righteous anger in our societies, Canadian and American. I agree with the sentiment expressed by Jack yet letting go of anger was never my forte. I could have spend years exploring Buddhist meditation, but it likely would not have touched the Family of Origen issues that underlay my anger — it took nearly ten years of good experiential therapy for me to resolve my issues (such work then became the basic of the anger management program that I developed and taught for twenty years).

      Having developed these skills, I can probably lead others to resolution within a few years (if they will do the work). For a beginning approach, check out the thirty or so postings listed under “Postings / Anger Management”. There were originally a series of 30 emails that I sent out over a period of 90 days, twice a week, with the suggestion to read and practice some simple skills. They generally gave people the necessary skills for better management of emotional issues, and if they wanted more, they could choose to work with me via Zoom or in-person.

      Incidentally, I call it ‘anger management’ because that is what attracts interest — it is really emotional life management; the skills are applicable to any emotional issue. I’ll add to this in a moment.

      Another email post from a few weeks ago described how a dozen hooded and masked individuals in Hamilton, Ontario gathered to rally behind the racist and xenophobic slogan popularized by Trump: “mass deportations now”. Such a process is highly unusual for Canada yet seems to be part of the growing rage throughout North America. From my perspective, it is likely that such intolerance arises from a sense of powerlessness related to the major dysfunctionality of our civilization. It is unlikely that such individuals would want to undertake my anger management program. But they do illustrate the needs of our society — such will likely increase given the current atmosphere in the States.

      Another post added to this: “Lonely, Addicted, and Living Without a Higher Purpose? An open letter to younger men struggling.” A second noted: “Road rage has soared in an increasingly angry nation: People are just overwhelmed.” Both of these were protected by paywalls so I did not read the details — I can imagine though.

      All of these have become common stories; all of these require good anger management.

      I was a physician-psychotherapist practicing in Ontario for more than twenty-five years. As a physician in Ontario, my therapy practice was paid though the Ontario Health Insurance Plan (OHIP); all any Ontario client had to do was say they wanted to work with me — OHIP paid for it. If I moved to a new location, I could have a waiting list within three weeks — lucky for me, lucky for clients.

      Part of my training included a Master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Sciences, functionally a degree in how people function in groups. After a few years, as I developed my weekend anger management program, I got tired to telling people that if they wanted to do individual therapy with me, it was a two-year waiting list. Eventually I switched to exclusive group therapy, and fed my groups from people who attended by anger management weekends. My wife and I had a day-retreat center where we each practiced our careers (my wife is a brilliant trainer in NeuroLinguistic Programming). Eventually also, I wrote my first book Blowing Out the Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage.[1]

      I am not interested in blowing my own horn, but my anger management program was effective for a wide range of people. Every three to six months, someone would stop by our center and tell me that their lives changed after a single weekend workshop. A Probation Officer sent me approximately 60 individuals over the years — only one re-offended after that single weekend. A senior Police Officer believed my program to be the best program he had ever encountered. A Justice of the Supreme Court would on occasion specifically recommend my weekend as part of his dispositions.

      I know that all troublesome issues of anger-rage are resolvable — the limitation is the willingness of the client to do the work (which I will describe in ensuing posts). The other major limitation is for the client to find good anger management. From my perspective, most programs are not very good — they mainly tell people what they should be doing. They work for many people because many people are highly motivated. Yet my groups were filled with people for whom such instructions did not work — they were motivated but they needed more. Specifically I did not tell people what they should be doing!

      As a taster of what is to come: What is the matter with being angry? Or being enraged? … Is it the anger, or something else? I suggest it is something else. The basic issue is not the anger or rage. It is that someone did not feel safe in the presence of anger/rage!

      Stay tuned. The next post will look at safety!

    [1] Although written in 2009, I rebranded the book in 2023. The current book is available on Amazon and other sourses from the publisher: MacQuarrie, Dave. Blowing Out The Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage. Metairie, LA: The Ewings Publishing LLC (2023), https://www.theewingspublishing.com/product/blowing-out-the-darkness-the-management-of-emotional-life-issues-especially-anger-and-rage/. Or from davidmacquarriebooks.com.

  • Transforming Anger: Emotions as Energy for Change

      As noted previously, I had my own anger management program for 25 years, likely dealing with about 4000 people with various issues of anger. I had long concluded that anger is the canary in the coalmine of our culture – it is the measure of how dysfunctional our civilization has become.

      Thus, I focus on anger as the beginning of change. I strongly believe that unresolved anger is dangerous whereas resolved anger is a powerful source for change. Given the current dysfunction of our culture, we need our anger so as to generate change, ideally for the better. If our anger is unresolved, any change generated is likely to worsen our dysfunction whereas if we come to terms with the nature of our anger, we have choice as to how we use it.

      So, what is anger? First of all, anger is an emotion. So, what is an emotion? My working definition is ‘energy to which I give meaning and direction.’ Emotions are the interface between mind (meaning) and body (direction). My best way of describing them is via what is called the Action Model.

      Something happens in life, a stimulus S. Eventually, we respond, R. In the interim, we Sense it (the earliest awareness is called the F1 state). We Evaluate it via our values, beliefs, memories, and expectations (VBMEs), and we make Meaning of it, our story. We develop a Plan of action as to how to respond and we mobilize our Energy to respond, our emotions. And, ideally, we respond (if we feel safe) — we move our energy into the environment. The system works well (and is prone to various glitches, to be described in later blog posts).

      Think of a time that you have been angry. Feel the residual anger as you now experience it. Notice I did not say ‘the anger you had then.’

      Emotions are a present-time body experience — you cannot feel what you experienced yesterday or at any other time; you can only feel ‘now.’ You can think about yesterday, but you can only feel ‘now.’

      That said, feel your anger. Point with one finger to the location of your anger in your body. For most people, they will point to their upper chest, yet some will point to their jaw or their abdomen or other areas. Although we have the single word ‘anger,’ each individual will have their own unique experience.

      Emotions, in general, are describable as a single word, in the ‘now’ moment, and dependent on meaning. As a child when you were learning language, perhaps someone took your toy, and you were upset. Then mummy or daddy said, “Don’t be angry.” You now had a new word to describe both your behaviour and your internal state. You also learned that the word was fraught with difficulty — you shouldn’t be angry. Yet, at the same time, it is likely that no one taught you what to do with this uncomfortable inner state. Now as an adult, when you encounter this body state again, you know to call it ‘anger’ and perhaps you still do not know what to do with it. If you do know what to do, you likely have a sense of power.

      In general, the simple emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, joy are such that they are characterized by a sense of power — you can do something when you experience them. Anger, for example, is an emotion of uninvited or imposed disruption of your boundaries wherein you are capable of pushing back against the disruption. It is the energy of significant difference in a closed space, a relationship.

      If you don’t feel capable of pushing back, the emotion tends to expand, and we give it a different name — ‘rage.’ Rage is the attempt to mobilize action and power in situations of anger where you feel powerless. Furthermore, if the situation becomes overwhelming, one option is to move to self-righteousness as a further protective mechanism in boosting your sense of power.

      In similar fashion, our sadness becomes despair when powerless and laziness (f—k it!) when overwhelmed. Our fear becomes terror and then fearfulness, and our joy becomes ecstasy and then some form of unitive consciousness.

      There are many other emotional words in our language and the definitions of these words varies considerably. The distinctions I make are:

    • Emotions are a single word descriptor of energy to which I give meaning (mind) and direction (body). I can point to my body as to where I experience them.
    • Feelings are a single word description of energy wherein I point to the relationship I have with others. ‘I feel frustrated’ points to an external person or event. Similarly with ‘I feel included [by …],’ ‘I feel honored [about …],’ and ‘I feel betrayed [by …].’
    • Then, there are feeling judgments, multi-word descriptions of my thoughts about my emotions and feelings. ‘I feel [that] you made an error’ or ‘I feel [that] you liked the meal.’ They represent thoughts that carry an energetic load.

      All of the above is relatively simple to describe, yet there is a problem which will be developed in future posts. It is summed up in a personal story:

    Until my forties, my childhood issues were such that I was emotionally numb. After I had done a number of years of therapy, I said to a friend: “I have learned to feel, and I hate it! It is so g..d.. messy!”

      They are still messy yet now I value them.

  • Re-branding

    So, what is this rebranding of my blog all about? First, the switch-over has been much more complicated and I am uncertain how long the transition will take, but it will certainly delay my engagement. For now, here is the first post that I planned:

    Human beings are social creatures; that has been our success (and angst) for millenia. Yet it is my belief that we have never before been as angry (enraged might be a better word) with each other and with our cultural institutions as we are now. We are in crisis; we feel powerless and scared by our ineffectiveness in dealing with the current risks of climate change and/or the resurgence of possible nuclear winter. And we do not effectively talk about it.

    This was the focus of the earlier rendition of this blog as The Human Side of Global Warming. In rebranding the blog as Awakening From Your Anger, I am wanting to shift the focus to what can we as individuals do in responding to this crisis. My basic premise is that unresolved anger is dangerous, yet resolved anger is powerful.

    I have taught anger management for almost 25 years. I honestly believe that I have/had the best anger management program in North America but I have never been able to sell it because I step out of the cultural box too much — I encourage people to be angry so that they can work to resolution. At a later stage, I will quote from some of the document in my book Blowing Out the Darkness but space precudes this at the moment.

    In her 2017 book Braving the Wilderness[1], Brené Brown talks about a state that she calls High Lonesome; this was early in the first presidency of Donald Trump. She notes, “The world feels high lonesome and hearbroken to me right now. We’ve sorted ourselves into factions based on our politics and ideology. We’ve turned away for one another and toward blame and rage. We’ve lonely and untethered. And scared. e border.

    Brown further notes, “wouldn’t you think that all of the sorting by politics and beliefs we’ve been doing would lead to more social interaction? … Shouldn’t ‘You’re either with us or against us’ have led to closer ties among the like-minded? The answer to these questions is a resounding and surprising no. At the same time [as] sorting is on the rise, so is loneliness.”

    Now (2024 November 9th), with Trump as American President Elect, I imagine this is what many American Democrats are feeling right now — scared and lonely. And even though the Republicans have had resounding success in the election, Brown notes that, “Ideological bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection.” I thus suspect that, in spite all the bravado and excitement, there are many Republicans who are wondering as to what the future offers. Equally, for we Canadians, many of us are caught in the same questions.

    As noted above, the focus of this blog is now how can we use our anger as a powerful force for good. How can we use our loneliness as individuals, social creatures still, come together in responding to our social crises. Coincidentally, an excellent article today in the Guardian (Authoritarians like Trump love fear, defeatism, surrender. Do not give them what they want) parallels the kind of ideas I will be exploring. We are in crisis; we are not defeated. 

    I intend several posts each week and I invite interaction. Although my posts will make suggestions, I invite us to come together, to find ways to engage with each other as we seek greater authenticity and greater effectiveness.

    [1] Quoted in “High Lonesome,” Psychotherapy Networker, Nov/Dec 2017, https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/high-lonesome/, accessed 2024 November 8th.

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  • Feedback on my Books, Blowing Out the Darkness.

    Blowing Out the Darkness

    I have continued to promote my books as I still want to have an impact, and I believe what I have written is important.

    My publisher, Ewings Publishing, suggested I hire some professional reviewers who would provide independent objective assessment of my writings. Attached are these assessments.

    The disclaimer provided notes:

    Book Viewpoint Critic

    Overview

    Our book review service comprises a team of readers with a keen eye and genuine passion, for providing thorough reviews to authors, publishers, and literary agents. Recognizing the impact reviews can have on the success of a book we are committed to delivering quality, objective feedback aimed at helping books realize their full potential.

    The Critics

    Our review panel consists of book enthusiasts with an appreciation for literature and a sharp eye for detail in writing. Comprising critics, published authors, librarians, and avid readers, our diverse team ensures a rounded and comprehensive review process from day one. Each reviewer is carefully selected based on their expertise in genres or themes to ensure that every book receives a critique, from someone who truly understands its nuances and context. 

    Disclaimer

    Please be aware: even as we work hard to provide holistic, constructive reviews, all opinions of the external reviewers are strictly subjective and based on the reading experience of the reviewer. Reviews imply value and informational feedback but never guarantee or promise a particular result. Moreover, all reviews are done with integrity and honesty, and our service payment is not biased at all on the outcome of the reviews. The feedback shall only be one of the various tools that authors and publishers use to fine-tune their work.

    Promotional Evaluations: These evaluations are tailored for marketing purposes. Can be used on covers, websites, and promotional materials to enhance book sales.

    Feedback on Blowing Out the Darkness: The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage. (Metairie, LA: The Ewings Publishing LLC, 2023), https://davidmacquarriebooks.com

    Blowing Out the Darkness

    The Management of Emotional Life Issues, Especially Anger and Rage

    by Dave MacQuarrie

    “A masterful blend of practical tools and philosophical insights, “Blowing out the Darkness” delivers a new, innovative route for navigation of all dark emotional realms. In creating this book, Dr. Dave MacQuarrie, MD PhD, has constructed through this book a cast iron guide that doesn’t let one single lapse occur in addressing the pragmatic dimensions of ’emotional regulation while pushing through to the very bedrock of emotional well-being laid by philosophy.’ His wedding of the cognitive and emotional processes is unparalleled, giving the reader a holistic framework that strengthens comprehension and application. This is a must-have volume for anyone who wants to navigate and transform their emotional landscape effectively.”

    Dr. Emily Roberts, Clinical Psychologist

    “This is a game-changer for both therapists and clients. With a focus on authentic personal growth and societal impact, this book offers timely insight for transformative exchanges that will resonate across the world today. Dave MacQuarrie, MD, PhD, gives practitioners tools and viewpoints directed at the enrichment of individual well-being and, therefore, positive social change—making it a must-have volume for any serious person who cares about emotional health and personal development.”

    John Matthews, Therapist

    “Blowing Out the Darkness” is a resource, for anyone seeking to navigate their journey. The book takes an approach to exploring and managing emotions like anger and rage offering solutions along with a deep dive into the theoretical aspects of emotional processes. MacQuarrie guides readers in acquiring the emotional tools for transforming and achieving effective emotional regulation and personal development. This blend of applications and insightful perspectives makes the book engaging not only for therapists and their clients but also for anyone interested, in emotional wellness.”

    Sarah Wilson, Life Coach

    “Blowing Out the Darkness” is a must in the field of mental health. Dave MacQuarrie has particularly nailed the integration of emotional and rational bits in therapy, which has proven very  effective for long-term healing. This is a rather unique, all-rounded approach to combining practical tools with deep philosophical insight. Possible to equip therapists and clientsalike with the right skills toward emotional well-being and personal growth that could last. That should make this very necessary in therapeutic practices.”

    Dr. Karen Brown, Psychiatrist

    “Enlightening and practical, ‘Blowing Out the Darkness’ lays the groundwork for managing one’s emotions in a way that is conducive to the betterment of society. This wonderful book should be read by all who want to improve their emotional well-being and give back some of that to society. Dave MacQuarrie shares his insights, provides actionable strategies, and supports them with powerful examples—a marvelous combination that secures this work for a wide, eager audience.”

    Michael Thompson, Social Worker

    “Blowing Out the Darkness” by Dave MacQuarrie is such an innovative and far-reaching vision of emotional management, skillfully wedding practical strategies with profound insights it makes the most complex emotional concepts anytime relevant and digestible to apply. His analysis is very captivating to the reader because he provides a comprehensive framework for emotional well-being in regards to investigating society’s problems and personal growth. The impact of MacQuarrie’s work does not remain limited to individual emotional challenges but further spreads their occurrence across society. As such, this book becomes a very important source for meaningful personal and social change.”

    Laura Green, Emotional Wellness

    “‘Blowing Out the Darkness’ gives insight into the human emotional system in great depth. The practical use of his theories by Dave MacQuarrie is exceptionally valuable to both professionals and individuals alike. With a thorough explanation of the techniques of emotional management, this book is endowed by what users need to indeed really be abreast of their emotions. The insights are very vital to MacQuarrie, and requisite for every human being desiring to improve in aspects of emotional intelligence and real personal growth.”

    Dr. Steven Harris, Neuroscientist

    “’Blowing Out the Darkness’ by Dave MacQuarrie is an insightful book in every sense of the term, as it seeks to challenge the conventional approaches to emotional health. He gives effective tools and quite a deep, existentially profound setting of philosophical perspective that is very transformative. He provides a balanced approach to both the emotional and rational aspects of treatment, rendering an all-rounded framework for understanding and managing feelings such as anger and rage. The deep exploration in the book is not just another prescriptive guide to the human emotional system. It is rich in furnishing one with many skills to achieve ongoing emotional well-being and growth. ‘Blowing Out the Darkness’ is packed with value both for professionals in the field and anyone seeking ways to enhance emotional wellness.” 

    Rachel Adams, Counselor

    “Dave MacQuarrie has constructed in ‘Blowing Out the Darkness’ a powerful resource for the management of emotional life issues. His emphasis on authenticity and change in society differentiates the book from others in this field. MacQuarrie’s treatment of these highly individualistic emotional challenges also opens onto the effect of such in society as a whole. This exhaustive guide embodies both practical tools and deep insights, making it a very necessary read for any conscientious person concerned about personal growth and positive societal transformation.”

    James Lee, Behavioral Therapist

    “Blowing Out the Darkness” is an enlightening read, replete with practical skills for emotional management. At the same time, what stood out for me was how Dave MacQuarrie could interweave subjective experience with objective understanding. Here is a volume that gives readers tools to effectively manage their emotional landscape. His approach is both insightful and pragmatic; therefore, this book is a must-read for all those interested in improving their emotional well-being and personal growth.”

    Jessica Turner, Educator